Heinessight.com:The official website of author Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages-"When I was a kid, they used to tell us never to get into a car with a stranger. After I heard that, I used to walk around town, hoping a stranger would ask me to get in his car. I guess I just wanted to see what all the hype was about."

Wisdom of the Ages-"I came home last week and all of my fish were floating at the top of the tank with their mouths open. I guess they decided they wanted to sleep all day and do their fishy-stuff when the lights are off."

Wisdom of the Ages (Politics) - "Throughout history, the rich have always taken advantage of the poor and simple minded. In America, the opposite is true. The poor and simple minded are taken advantage of by the rich."

Wisdom of the Ages (Education) "Students always tell me what a great teacher I am. One time a student told me that, so I failed him for the semester. Sometimes, I wonder if he still feels the same way."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Gangs) "I once belonged to a Latino street gang on the Eastside know as the "Flatulinas." They shook down local restaurant owners. Those who didn't pay, got a visit from the gang which involved a lot of chain-saw-like sounds and some rather unpleasant aromas. They kicked me out, though. Either because they found out I wasn't Mexican, or because I soiled myself during the shakedowns.

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Education)- "There is no such thing as a smart child or a dumb child. There are parents who care about education and there are parents who think the public schools are a baby-sitting service. If your child brings home an "F," they didn't fail, you did."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Marital Relations)- "If your wife is angry at you, tell her you are going to take her out for a nice dinner. When she isn't looking, fill the toes of her shoes full of shaving cream. Nothing like a little levity to ease the tension."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Advice) -"Advice is just another way of saying, 'Let me use your problem as an excuse to talk about myself for the next fifteen minutes.'"

 

Wisdom of the Ages- (Travel tip) - "If you are in a foreign country and don't speak the language, answer every question by reciting verses from the song, "Tootie Fruity."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Vocabulary) - "When a politician uses the word "change," what they really mean is, that the corporations who own them feel it is in their best interest to screw over the people who work for a living, once again."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (State Trivia) -"Missouri is known as the 'Show Me State.' This is a historical inaccuracy. They had to shorten it it when they found out 'Show me where it says I can't marry my sister,' wouldn't fit on a license plate."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (TV) "Television is something we like to watch because we like to watch people who don't sit around watching TV."

 

Wisdom of the Ages: (Internet) "Once again, I find myself confused by internet jargon. When people write LMAO, I have to wonder, what does anything a French cat would say have to do with this conversation?"

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Money) - "They say money isn't everything. They are correct. It's the stuff you can buy with money that's everything."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Legal Advice) - "When preparing to consult an attorney, it's always best to leave the garlic and crucifixes at home."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Spouses) - I am lucky enough to have what is commonly known as a "Wonder Wife." That is

the kind of wife where everyone who knows you asks, "I wonder why she puts up with him?"

 

Wisdom of the Ages (The Sexes) - They say women are from Venus and men are from Mars. NASA probes have confirmed this. Mars appears to be a docile, quiet place, whereas Venus has violent storms, toxic gases and an inhospitable environment. The probe must have arrived during the PMS cycle.

 

Wisdom of the Ages (The Sexes) - Women call men "pigs" because they think that bothers us. When they do, we men think of the noble pig, covered with filth, eating out of a dirty dish, going to the bathroom wherever he wants, making obscene noises and checking out all the young sows. We may seem offended, but inside, we grunt the grunt of satisfaction."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (9/11) - When I heard that the "9/11 Mastermind" was going to be tried in New York City, I thought to myself, "Finally, that Dirty Dick Cheney is going to get what's coming to him."

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Health) – “They say that laughter is the best medicine. When my friends are sick, I go to their house and laugh at them.”

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Lines) – “When I was single, I used to tell women I liked that I was a magician. That way, they wouldn’t be so surprised when I disappeared.”

 

Wisdom of the Ages (Word Origins) – The term “lesbian” comes from the Greek Island of Lesbos. In ancient Greece, thousands of women would gather there to participate in erotic festivals. I believe that binoculars and the phrase “peeping Tom, originated there also.”

 

Wisdom of the Ages (State Trivia) – “New Jersey calls itself “The Garden State.” It must be the only place in the world where people plant rusted cars, old tires and fifty-five gallon drums full of toxic waste.”

 

Wisdom of the Ages- (Credit) “Credit is the ability to pay a lot more for something you couldn’t afford in the first place.”

 

Wisdom of the Ages- (Jobs) “I used to work in a shoe store. At least until they gave me the boot.”

 

(Oman) “In Oman, it gets so hot, even the camels come with air conditioning.”

 

(Politics) “When Bill Clinton said, “I never had sex with that woman,” I’m pretty sure he was referring to Hillary.”

 

(The Army) “When I was in the Army, every so often they would make us listen to some “recovered” alcoholic who told us how ‘drugs will ruin your life.’ Inevitably, some joker would raise his hand and say, ‘Yeah, the last time I used drugs, I signed up for the Army.”

 

(Cars) “My wife nags me from time to time about buying a new car. I just say, ‘Honey, will ya shut up and keep pushing.’”

 

(Exercise) “I usually swim about three miles a week. People say, ‘You sure must like swimming.’ The fact is, I hate swimming, it’s the women in bathing suits that keeps me coming back.”

 

(Jobs) “Dentists are the most depressing people. I guess it’s because they’re always down in the mouth.”

    

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